A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

Starring: Jason Sudeikis, Leslie Bibb, & Lake Bell

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Haven't we had enough of this format already? Four guys and Four girls, who like to party, decide to do something wild and crazy one night. There's the leader and the shy one, and of course the weird one and the funny one. This set-up has been beaten to death! If you've seen Super Bad, The Hangover, Take Me Home Tonight, or any number of copycats, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Granted, the idea here is a little more original than most and the movie does do what it was intended to do, make you laugh. The faces are different, the situation is different, but everything else is exactly the same, there's nothing original here. Jason Sudeikis and Lake Bell do a great job of making us laugh, but again it's just your basic drunken idiots out to do something special, with all the pitfalls, and weird shit that happens in-between. It was funny and a great way to kill a couple hours, but I got an extreme sensation of deja vu throughout this film. Overall, A Good Old Fashioned Orgy is good for some cheap laughs, but it's honestly nothing you haven't seen before.

The Traveler (2010)

Starring: Val Kilmer, Dylan Neal, & Camille Sullivan

Rating: 1 1/2 out of 5 stars

After seeing this film, I'm pretty certain we have a new front runner for the "Worst Movie I've Seen All Year" contest. I should have known a B-Horror movie, starring Val Kilmer, wouldn't be any good, but once again I was fooled by one of those clever bastards who write the descriptions on the back of the box. One a snowy Christmas Eve, a man walks into a Police station, to confess to crimes he hasn't yet committed. It sounded like a cool concept, when in actuality, it was nothing more than a waste of time. Where to begin? First off, this film is so painfully predictable, my dog knew what was coming next. The Traveler must have had no budget what-so-ever, because not only was the supporting cast a complete joke, but so was everything else! From the decrepit, falling apart, Police station to the twenty year old squad cars, and of course the miserable special effects, this film was pure shit from beginning to end. As for Val Kilmer, he was about as convincing as Tyler Perry is as the new Alex Cross. Seldom have a seen a more lazy and sloppy performance, with such a complete lack of emotion and muffled lines. I really have to wonder if the other actors could smell the manure coming off of him on the set. This film is one that never should have even been made, run away from it and never look back!

The Lazarus Project

Starring: Paul Walker, Piper Perabo, & Bob Gunton

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 stars

The Lazarus Project is a highly imaginative film and a refreshingly original concept by writer/producer John Glenn. The story follows Ben Garvey (Paul Walker), a family man with a troubled past. When his family hits hard times, the only thing left for him to do, is turn to what he is good at, committing crime. Unfortunately for him, this time someone dies during the crime and he is given a death sentence. As he's in the execution chamber, the drugs pump into him, and that should be the end of the story, but it's not. Garvey awakes seemingly unharmed and reborn in a small Oregon town, in the middle of nowhere. He's told that he's been given a second chance, but quickly figures out that all is not as it seems. The Lazarus Project is full of twists and turns and is kind of similar to Shutter Island. We see a lot of things and changes that we're not sure are real or in Garvey's imagination, that's why I loved this movie. The film makes you think and actually figure things out for yourself. Unlike many similar films, Glenn doesn't just assume we're a bunch of idiots and puts us right alongside Ben Garvey as we figure out what's going on. The story is pure genius, but if this way my project I would have chosen a different star. Sure, Paul Walker is nice to look at, and does an adequate job, but this is a highly emotional story that doesn't play to his strengths as an actor. Walker didn't convincingly portray the emotions of the given situations and made their effect less dramatic. This film is also painfully slow at times, but the good most definitely out weighs the bad. The Lazarus Project is original and will keep you guessing, which sadly, is something most films today can't claim.

Act of Valor

Starring: Active Duty United States Marines

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Act of Valor is a refreshingly new and ambitious idea, that takes the stories of active U.S. Marines and turns them into one big story, which is then played out by the very Marines who experienced them. I loved the concept, but this film falls way short of expectations. I believe the purpose of military is the service and protection of our nation, but in Act of Valor the Marines are portrayed as trigger happy Americans. We see the Marines, following up on CIA Intel, going into four different foreign countries, shooting first and asking questions later. Is this really the image of our military that we want to portray to the rest of the world? Regardless of what's real and what's not, these Marines come off as ruthless, with an attitude of 'fuck you we're American, we'll do what we want.' As expected, the action scenes were some of the best and most realistic I've ever seen. I would except nothing less, being that the film features men who have been in actual combat and know what it looks like. The acting, also as excepted, was really awful, but for the first time in the twenty month history of this blog I won't blame the actors for it, since after all, they aren't really actors. The action sequences alone more than make up for the shitty acting job, but again, I have a real problem with the message this film is sending out to the world. Chronicling the heroism and every day life of a U.S. Marine is admirable, but portraying them like Bruce Willis in Die Hard isn't doing them any favors, in fact it's making an already difficult job harder.

Seeking Justice

Starring: Nicholas Cage, January Jones, & Guy Pierce

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 stars

Seeking Justice is a rare example of a B-Movie blockbuster. This film may have been direct-to-video, but it features one hell of a cast, a ton of action, and a pretty decent storyline. Like most B-movies, this film was predictable as hell, but not in a bad way. Yes, I knew what was coming, but I was still interested in seeing how it was done and what the results would be. Nicholas Cage is actual not the action star of this film, he is merely a High School English Teacher, with a seemingly perfect life. His world gets turned around though when his wife is savagely raped and beaten. As a result, Cage has two options, let the police do their thing or find someone else to take care of business. Can you guess which choice he made? Cage is of course fantastic as always. Even if the particular film doesn't suit your interests, when you see that it stars Nicholas Cage, you know you're about to be entertained. Guy Pierce is also excellent, giving a performance that was eerily similar to that of his character in Memento. Seeking Justice is definitely not an award winning film and is destine to fall under the radar of most moviegoers, but it's just as thrilling and entertaining as anything you'll see at the box office.

The Tall Man (2012)

Starring: Jessica Biel, Jodelle Ferland, & William Davis

Rating: 2 1/2 out of 5 stars

The Tall Man tries very hard to be something it's not, a Stephen King story. Parts of this film reek with King's influence, but I don't think he'd be all that thrilled about it. When the film first started I thought it was a pretty good movie, but by the end I was just confused. The story follows a local resident in the town of Cold Rock, who has taken over her husband's medical practice after he passed away. That resident is played by Jessica Biel, whose performance and looks are really the only reason to watch this movie. In the town of Cold Rock, the children have been disappearing without a trace and the only thing people have seen is a tall man, dressed in black, leaving the scene. Some people say he's an urban legend, while others claim to have witnessed his abductions, and the whole town is terrified. I found it kind of funny that in a town crippled by fear, not knowing whose child could be next, the kids parents, let them ride their bikes to the store and let them play alone in the fields, it's just one of many parts of this film that just off. As I said, the beginning of this film is terrific, but then it gets weirder and weirder and builds to a conclusion that doesn't make any damn sense! I know this must of have been someone's passion and that they spent years developing it, but before you released it to the public, did you bother to watch it? Jessica Biel is sexy and a terrific actress who is way too good to be doing shitty b-movies like this. If you're a die-hard fan, check it out, she's great, but if you're not, I'd definitely stay away from this one.

The Comedy Central Roasts

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget

The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner

The Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

The Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne

The past week I couldn't decide which TV series to start, so while I took my sweet ass time deciding, I figured I'd check out some of the wildly popular Comedy Central Roasts. I'm not going to rate them or list all of the roasters, because every person has only about ten minutes and everybody has their own unique styles which appeal to different people. I happened to love Gilbert Gottfried and Greg Giraldo, but I really couldn't stand Jeffery Ross or Andy Dick, other people might feel just the opposite. The purpose of a Roast is to take someone you admire and totally make fun of them, to say every thing you've ever wanted to say to them and make everyone laugh at them. What I don't understand about the way Comedy Central does their Roasts is instead of loading the dais with that person's friends, family, and co-workers, they only let them invite a couple of familiar faces, and then fill in the rest with stand up comics who don't even know these guys. I suppose it's less painful for the roasted, having a bunch of people they don't know talking shit about them, but it also leads to everyone repeating the same obvious jokes, take Roseanne for example. We all know she's getting old, she's fat, and her voice is irritating as hell, but that's pretty much all the comics had to say about her and it got old, pretty quick. The lines are hilarious and obviously written by some very talented comedians, but personally, I'd like to see the roast-ed's friends and family come up on stage and say everything they ever wanted to say. The Comedy Central Roasts are funny, entertaining, and considerably more vulgar than the old style Dean Martin roasts, but they lack something the Dean Martin roasts had and that was their own personality. Comedy Central's Roasts are mass-produced, often use the same comedians, and often get old after half an hour, that being said, they're still pretty damn funny and I can't believe some of the things that came out of their mouths.